Severus's Troubled Mind
by KrazyKimmy
Summary: Sometimes a teenage life is harder than most people think. Add to that nearly being mauled by a WereWolf, losing your childhood friend, then having the Marauders constantly harassing you; is it any surprise Snape is struggling? T for depression. SS/RL?
1. Lost Within Myself

Yeah, OK, Lucius is several years above Sevvy; but for this fics purpose he's in Sev's and Remus's year.

I don't own HP; only this plotbunny. XD

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><p>He sat slumped in an emerald green sofa, eyes open but not seeing; successfully ignoring anything and everything around him.<p>

Lucius Malfoy gave him one last glance before following Narcissa out of the common room; leaving Severus Snape by his self.

'Well, if he was late to Transfiguration; on his head be it' thought Lucius.

Severus sighed, staring at the same spot on the wall.

He closed his eyes; his first voluntary movement in hours. His eyes had begun to sting, and he wouldn't give into crying. Even if he was alone.

He scrunched up his eyes, and bit his lip. No, he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't!

The door to the Common room blasted open; and a white haired wizard burst through.

Severus did not move, did not even acknowledge the other man's presence. He continued to watch the wall - no, not even that. He might have been looking at the wall, but honestly; was that was he was seeing?

No... Severus was lost in his memories.

Albus ran over to the Slytherin boy, and put a hand on his forehead, then both hands on his shoulders.

"Severus? Severus can you hear me? Are you hurt?" His voice was urgent, demanding a reply.

The boy remained as still as ever.

Headmaster Dumbledore shook the boy a little; yet there was no reaction from him.

From the door to the common room; a boy of roughly the same age as Severus worriedly looked on.

"Remus? Run and get Madam Pomfrey." Albus called over to him.

Lupin paled and turned on his heel, vanishing into the inky darkness beyond the common room's candlelight.

"Come on Severus; wake up!" Albus muttered, waving his hand back and forth in front of the boy's eyes.

A lone tear escaped from Severus.

Dumbledore let go from Severus as if he had been shot as goosebumps raced up the boys arms.

"Severus? Come on, you can do it, child." Albus coaxed.

The tear traced a trail down Severus's cheek, yet the boy still didn't move.

Infuriated, Albus stood up and started pace; tempted to 'ennervate' the boy.

"Dumbledore? Headmaster Dumbledore what is it?" A woman's voice echoed through the Slytherin corridors, and within seconds Poppy Pomfrey appeared at the Headmaster's side.

Albus merely pointed, and watched as Poppy knelt down and attempted the exact same as Albus to no avail.

Frowning, Poppy cast several quiet diagnostic spells on the innert child, then leant back on her heels, stumped.

"I, I don't understand." She muttered.

Remus slowly walked over, and stood next to Dumbledore; his eyes never leaving Severus.

"I... I didn't do anything... I.. at least... I.. don't think I did..." He admitted in a small voice to Albus.

Albus put an arm around the young werewolf, "You didn't do this, my boy. You didn't hurt Snape, he... " Albus looked to the black-haired boy who was crying, statue-still. "He's just in shock..." Albus finished.

Albus removed his arm from Remus, and took Poppy's position infront of Severus, "Anchor me, Poppy."

He then took a mental jump; into the troubled mind of Severus Snape.


	2. Scars speak louder than Words

He then took a mental jump; into the troubled mind of Severus Snape.

It was only minutes later that Albus fell back, blinking in the light of the candles; yet to him felt like a lifetime.

In all fairness, it was.

Slowly, Albus raised his head, and licked his lips. He took a deep breath, which was rather more shaky, and tear clogged than he might have liked, but sufficed all the same.

"Interesting." He concluded, then repeated; seeing the purple and green bruises upon his hands, and on further inspection, up his arms.

"H-Headmaster?" Remus ventured, worried and confused.

Albus waved a hand non-committally, it was really nothing. "Just a … Well. I jumped into Severus's mind, his memories. For all events and purposes, I was Severus. Therefore," Albus held up a purple hand, "I get to relive his battle scars."

Remus frowned, "They're fading..." He observed.

Poppy cocked her head, "Who and when?" She asked as she sat down next to the Slytherin, checking his arms and back for any current injuries.

"Eileen Pince, and about two years ago." Albus replied, not missing a beat.

Poppy stopped in her tracks, "I know that name. Why do I know that name?"

She looked over to Albus, who gave her a meaningful stare and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh Good Lord!" Poppy cried in realisation, her hand flying to her mouth.

"That was nothing compared to what happened in the summer though; young Severus had to brew up a batch of pain-relief potion and pepper-up himself." Albus sighed, refusing to give way to the lump in his throat. "I won't even comment on the crude methods of his muggle father."

"His father's a muggle?" Remus wondered aloud. He'd naturally presumed that all Slytherin's were pure-bloods. They boasted about it enough.

"Remus, how do you get along with Lily Evans?" Albus asked, trying to sound simply curious.

"Much better now, since she's going out with James." Remus replied, still stuck on the 'pure-blood' issue. "Ever since Snape called her a 'mud-blood' they've been quite close."

Poppy shot back from Severus like he'd electrocuted her, "He did what!"

"Poppy, look at this." Albus brought his wand to his temple, giving it to Poppy who brought the shining memory directly to her mind, watching it before paling and welling up with tears.

"Oh Severus." She breathed.

Remus was feeling considerably left out. "Professors?"

Albus looked down at the student, who was sitting on the floor, from his perch in an armchair, and tried to explain how much the Slytherin repented his actions concerning Lily Evans; whilst Poppy looked at the boy's self-inflicted scars on his wrists.

_What with his abuse at home _(cruciatus from one, fists from the other)_, a lack of friends at school; and losing the only person he'd ever cared about; it was no wonder the poor boy felt worthless._

_Maybe, maybe that was why Severus hadn't been very forthright about coming to the hospital wing after nearly being mauled by a were-wolf. Maybe he'd wanted it to end. Maybe that was why he'd kept going, even after James had warned him. And, that would explain why Remus didn't kill him- he wouldn't have been scared. Severus would have wanted it, so wouldn't have been scared, so Remus wouldn't have sensed his fear as there wouldn't have been any, so he would have lived. Huzzah!_ … Poppy smiled at her expert reasoning, then wiped it off her face immediately. _'There's a time and place for smiling, Poppy, and now is not it.'_

She nodded.

_But... That didn't explain why the boy was inert to the world..._

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><p>Hmm... whatcha think? Not quite what I expected, but I like it! XD<p>

Reviews veeerrrryyy welcome! xD


	3. Nightmares

_Italics_ in this chapter are _memories_, not thoughts. **Thoughts** are **bold**. Just to confuse you, =D

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><p>Albus tossed and turned; clutching at his duvet.<p>

It was a cold winters night, and yet he was sweating like it was the heart of summer itself.

His covers had been wrenched from being tucked into the bottom of his bed, and now lay covering him from his knee to his chest- and had turned 90 degrees.

He frowned in his sleep, and turned again; unconsciously trying to shake off the nightmares that weren't his.

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><p><em>"I told you to get out of the way, boy!" A cold, feminine voice said crossly.<em>

_ "Yes mother, sorry mother." The boy, him, Albus, said, scurrying up the stairs._

_ "No boy! Here!" Her voice was scarcely more than a whisper, yet it reverberated through his every thought, his every atom of being._

_ Swallowing, and knowing what was to come, he walked back down stairs- not that he was physically able to do anything else. His body was a marionette to her wishes._

_ "Now, what did I tell you?" She asked, in a sickly sweet, fake voice._

_ "To make the sandwiches and go to my room." He repeated, his lower lip already quivering._

_ "And what did you do?" Her eyes were level with his, and just inches away from him; she was bending down to him- NOT A GOOD SIGN._

_ He frowned, panicking. She knew, she knew, she knew._

_ "I.. I made the.. them, and I.. I ate one or two." His voice clogged with tears._

_ "Urgh, don't cry. It's such a childish thing to do." She stood up, her black hair cascading down her back like a waterfall._

_ She watched him with disregard, like he was something she'd trodden in._

_ "Urgh." She repeated, and took a step back, plucking her wand from the inside of her sleeve._

_ The sound of people flooing in reached their ears, and Eileen looked towards the living room; then back to him, cold eyes, cruel eyes._

_ "Cruico." She muttered, flicking her wand at him; treading over him to go down the hallway to where her friends were._

_ "Severus- your ROOM!" She hissed at the boy who was twitching __helplessly on the carpet, tears streaking from shut eyes._

_ Even through the pain, as he somehow found the strength to carry himself upstairs, he thought; it had been worth it._

_ He hadn't had that much to eat since the year at Hogwarts ended. Two small finger-bite sandwiches. He smiled to himself as he opened the door to his room. His body may have been on fire, but at least his stomach had something else to digest apart from itself._

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><p><em> It was dark through the curtain-less window, and by the light of one candle, the tall, thin boy was scribbling away on the floor at his charms essay.<em>

_ He went to dip his quill in the ink pot and instead knocked it over with a careless brush of his hand._

_ "Merlin's beard." He whispered to himself, glancing up at his father who was asleep on the sofa, praying for him not to see._

_ Casually as he could, and as quick as he could without seeming suspicious, he went to the kitchen to get some paper to mop it up before it sunk too far into the carpet._

_ "Mother!" He exclaimed, having nearly walked into the woman._

_ "Severus- what's this?" She asked, putting a hand to her head. She sounded weary, not cross. That was perhaps more scary than usual._

_ "I, uh- spilled my ink. I'm just, just clearing it up see?" He said, inching his way around her to clear it up."_

_ "Severus- I'm disappointed in you." She said, seeing the cloths in his hand; her words slurring rather._

_ Too much fire-whisky again. He feared for his mother; even though she half-killed him sometimes._

_ With a whisk of her wand, and some (rather unnecessary, thought Severus,) blinding white light, the ink was cleared._

_ "Wha? Wha's gooing on?" A rough scratchy voice said; as the unshaven man with the beer-belly jumped up off the sofa._

_ "Severus was just clearing up his mess." Eileen said as she walked out the door, a dark twinkle in her eyes as she smiled coldly at Severus._

_ He pleaded silently at her with his eyes, innocence and no-you-can't-do-this._

_ "Doing maagi' again arr we?" His father said, walking up to him and being by far the most frightening thing in the world._

_ "Mother, mother cleared it up. I was going to-" He held up the paper in his hand, but his father batted it away; hurting Severus rather in the proccess._

_ "Doon't lie ta me!" He shouted; backing Severus into the corner._

_ With his foot, he knocked over the small ink phial on the floor, but Severus thought it best not to say anything._

_ "Loook a' me when I'm talking ta yoou." His father said, sounding more and more northen with every word._

_ Severus fearfully raised his eyes to meet his fathers, who promptly punched the wind out of him._

_ Again and again, fists met his stomach, hands met his face, and Severus's head was knocked back against the wall; his father's red angry face black against the light of the lamp behind him the last thing he saw before shadows clouded his vision._

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><p><em> Severus lay in his bedroom, propped up against the wall.<em>

_ It had been about a week since the ink incident, yet only a few hours since his last beating. Mere minutes since the last curse had rattled his bones._

_ Still, the only thing he could think about was Lily._

_ How he loved her. How he'd hurt her._

_ How he wished, prayed, he could one day have a time-turner and undo that dreadful moment._

_ How much he loved her. Every atom in his worthless body was hers. It always had been. It always would be._

_ Oh, he hoped he would die before her- because what would life be without Lily?_

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><p><em> Severus stared at his arm in horror.<em>

_ It was broken. Actually broken._

_ He was no healer- but when an arm bended in-between the elbow and wrist- he guessed that wasn't good._

_ He whined a little. His mother would never let him have any skele-grow; and he was banned from going out._

_He looked over to the cauldron in the corner of his room; a desperate twinkle in his eye._

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><p><em>Albus woke up, a fearful look in his blue eyes.<em>

**No, noone would actually do that to their own son would they?**

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><p><em>Yeah, 'kay 'twas rubbish- but its past midnight &amp; I thought u deserved something b4 I left for spain. Its a 3week hol, so they'll be plenty more when I get bk. If anyone wants to rewrite this, and do a better job- feel free! Drop me a PM when done, and I'll link it here.<em>

_Have a good summer! ..unless ur austrailian, then happy winter lol. _


	4. Memories never fade

_Thoughts _are back to being _italic._** Bold** is just used for **emphasis.** Reviews are used to inspire the writer to keep writing. hint hint, hint hint ;D

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><p>Sevvy's POV.<p>

_He had tried to kill him. He had wanted to kill him. Why hadn't he? Why hadn't the were-wolf finished him off? Then everyone would be happy._

_Where was Lily? She would be in class. **I** should be in class._

_No, don't want to go. Too many people. Too many questions._

_Oooh._

Severus sighed. Whilst on the outside he looked to be simply in thought; inside he was a turmoil of what was right; and what should (in his opinion) be done.

He thought he heard Lucius say something to him, but he didn't move, or react.

Moving would mean effort; and at the moment it was all he could do not to cast a lethal spell at himself, or drown himself in the lake. _Actually; that's not a bad idea... Noone would ever find the body either... Hmmm..._

On the side table next to him, the candle whispered then went out.

Yet another existance that wasn't his ceased to be.

He heard the common room door open; probably Dolores having forgotton her wand or something; _the girl was useless_.

In his minds eye he could see Sirius telling him to go on, to look inside the room that was int the Shreiking Shack; then his cruel laughter as the tunnel sealed behind him; the hot breath of the wolf infront of him.

He remembered Lily, how hurt she was when he called her a mudblood, how cold she was when he showed her his patronus, how cruel she was when he told her he loved her.

He imagined her being there with Sirius, laughing; egging him on.

He imagined her trying to stop James, "Let him stay, James. Let the bastard die."

James just didn't want to get into trouble- that was the only reason that he had reopened the tunnel.

Severus felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him; but he was lost in his head; enraptured by his haunting visions.

He smelt the wolf; almost as if it was standing right before him.

A tear fell down his face, involuntarily.

He seriously considered putting his life force into one of the oil lamps around him; so as it snuffed out so would he.

The Slytherin barely regesitered the spells attacking his mind and monitering his insides; the only thought fluttering across his mind was that of 'Dearest Lily...'

He really couldn't believe she would be as cold as to act like he had imagined, but she'd wrote that note... She'd already broken his heart; what more was she capable of?

He vaugly felt his mind being searched; memories of his charming childhood resurfaced after an eternity of trying to forget.

He sighed, emptying his lungs.

_Oh- to be able to get her back_. What he wouldn't give to get his Lily back wouldn't be worth keeping.

Slowly but surely, Severus became aware of someone sitting next to him.

The fires in the grates were burning-but Severus was sure the boy next to him would be warm anytime of the year.

"Hello again, Remus." He drawled quietly, still facing the wall. "Hungry, tonight?"

"Severus!"

_The werewolf jumped, he actually jumped. The idiot! Fur-brain!_

"I was so scared, Sevvy. I thought-"

"Sevvy?" For the first time in hours, Severus moved. With a jolt, he frowned; then stiffly turned to face the wolf.

Who promptly turned pink. "Madam Pomfrey said when you wake up she wants to see you." He stood up, "We should go."

Shyly, the boy offered his hand, _why was he blushing?_

Severus took the proffered hand, suspicion narrowing his eyes.

As they walked towards the exit to the common room; Remus kept glancing back, checking on Severus till the Slytherin was tempted to hex him..

_Just a little hex, go on. It wouldn't hurt..._

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><p>Heyya. :) Thanks for reading; and please review. I still hate the previous chapter; I can't write abuse scenes. :( Which I suppose is good because it means I'm not sadistic xD<p>

Anyone who can do a better job than me is welcome!

And I plan to try and update every week. (fingers crossed) Please excuse the fail of the layout- my laptop seems to like spamming the layout as it uploads...


	5. Never looking Up

Remus's POV

_Oh my Cauldron! I held his hand! I held his hand. How smooth was I?_

_I'm so glad he's awake. He still looks kinda pale though._

_Hey! Wouldn't you be if you were nearly mauled by a were-wolf?_

_Yeah.. but what if that were-wolf loved you?_

Remus blushed. _Oh My..._

As Remus opened the door to the Slytherin common room; he acted on impulse and held it open for Severus.

The boy stopped; and almost seemed to look into Remus's very soul before nodding curtly and walking through the open door.

Remus blushed again._ I wonder if he likes me..._

_When did I even decide I liked him?_

_Oh poor Severus. First Lily; then me almost killing him; now me wanting to court him?_

Remus sighed and shook his head. Some things were so complicated.

He watched the Snape boy, he was walking slightly behind him, appearing to be studying the floor as he walked. At least; his head was tilted towards the floor, and he wasn't looking up. Yet he walked around things, knew where all the steps were as he came down the stairs.

_That's brilliant! How on earth does he do that?_

_...Of course, there is the whole reason of why doesn't he want to look up... I do hope it isn't me... Oh I do hope it isn't me..._

"Um, Severus?" Remus put a tender hand on the boys shoulder; wincing slightly as the Slytherin jumped at his touch. "Severus, are you OK?"

_Please, please talk to me Sevvy..._

Severus stopped; and then lifted his head. He shook his hair back; out of his face, and Remus saw tears running down the boy's face.

_Oh Merlin! How long has he been crying? Oh, why haven't I noticed?_

"Severus, Severus what is it? Are you hurt, are you- what is it?" Remus took a step forward, greatly invading Severus's personal space.

The Slytherin narrowed his eyes, not seeing at all what was real; what was in reality.

_He's slipped again. Back into... what was it Madam Pomfrey called it... I don't know, but he's... trapped. In his memories- the shock of it. A mind relapse; she described it as. How in the name of Merlin do I wake him?_

"Severus?" Remus took a hold of the boy's shoulders; and frowning in worry for the boy, for the only human he had ever avoided physically harming when he was wolf _(because that must mean something;_ _he's someone special.), _and frowning with his own helplessness; he pulled the boy into a hug.

"Remus." Severus whispered hoarsely.

The were-wolf let go, and he immediately noticed the goosebumps that flew up the other boy's arms.

"Remus you should have killed me." Severus whispered blindly; talking to the dog in his mind. "Remus you should have ripped me apart; you should have acted on instinct. Why me, why. Save. Me?" Another tear ran down his cheek.

_Oh Severus._ "Oh, Severus no. Don't say that." _Never say that. Please; don't say that._ "I'd never hurt you." Remus said; trying to comfort the boy; but he immediately knew it was true. He'd never hurt Severus; even if the boy told his secret to the world.

Remus wiped away Severus's tears with his thumb, and thought that as the boy wasn't exactly with reality..._ What the cauldron. _(A/N What the cauldron=What the heck/hell)

The were-wolf leant forward and placed a kiss on the boy's cheek.

_No reaction; no reaction! Well, at least he's not cursing me into next week._

_Sweet Merlin, my heart's pounding like Congo drums. Mmmm, Severus. _Remus licked his lips. _You taste like ...candy floss._

Remus smiled and shook his head at his own madness; then wrapped an arm around the boy, and gently lead him to the Hospital Wing.

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><p>... Not quite sure when it turned into a RemusSevvus but I... I kinda like it this way. I think Remus's wolf feels a bit of a 'claim' over Severus... a domination of some kind... Yet Remus, Remus-Remus is much kinder, much softer and so is expressing it as an affection; love.

Do you like it? Or do you not? Please Review!


	6. Remus, Remus is the One Who,,,

Madam Pomfrey started at seeing Remus leading in the unresponsive Snape.

She immediately hurried over to them, and led Severus to a bed.

"He woke up from this before you brought him here?" She asked the Gryffindor as she shone wand-light in Severus's eyes, watching his pupils dilate and shrink.

"Yes. He was almost normal; sarcastic... but..." Remus tethered off, avoiding her gaze.

"But what?" She asked, looking up from the Slytherin.

"Then he started to say I should have killed him; I should have, have," Tears started clogging up Remus's eyes and voice. "Should have ripped him ap-apart." He managed to get out before burying his head in his hands.

"Hmm..." Madam Pomfrey thought on that._ I wonder..._

She turned back to the boy sat on the bed, who, although he seemed to be seeing her; and could follow her actions; there still seemed to be a vacated space behind the eyes.

"Severus?" She asked, coaxed.

He simply watched her, hollow eyes leaking unwanted tears.

It was eerie, he looked so sad, so hopeless; and yet she knew from all her medical experience that it wasn't really him looking at her with those haunting eyes.

"Don't let him up." She told the were-wolf, going back to her office to get some supplies; and ponder a bit more on the boy's situation.

Remus immediately sat on the bed next to Severus. "Sevvy? Please, Sevvy. Wake up!" He shook the boy's shoulders slightly._ Oh come now Sev'rus. Please, please come back to me. Don't leave me, Sev'rus. Wake up; please._

Remus watched Severus's empty eyes to no avail. He sighed as the clock echoed ten am around the castle.

He'd best be going to class, Professor McGonagall was not known exactly for her patience, even to her own house.

He took one of Severus's hands in his, and held it tight in his own, then put it to his face, revelling in the warmth.

_I promise to hurry back to you, Severus; if you hurry back to me._

He smiled sadly, resisting the urge to pull the Slytherin into a hug, then smiled at Madam Pomfrey as he stepped out into the main ward, and told her he had lessons to be going to.

"Will you be back later, Mr Lupin?" She asked, waving salts under Severus's nose.

"Yes. During lunch; and if he still isn't awake properly by then, lunch."

"I'm sure Mr Snape will... appreciate, you're company." Madam Pomfrey said slowly, choosing her words carefully. _Have I missed something? Are Slytherin and Gryffindor no longer mortal enemies?_

Severus shivered._ It's warm here._ He thought, through blind eyes. _That can't be right._

He sat up, _Sure I wasn't laying down earlier..._ And realised where he was. _I'm not ill am I?_

Memories slowly flitted back to the lanky boy, and he began to panic as he propped himself against the cushions on his bed.

_Sirius, James... A Were-wolf! Lupin! Oh my, oh my Merlin! He tried.. he tried to..._

He paled considerably. _Great bubbling cauldrons- did he bite me? Am I a wolf?_

Severus swallowed, and was froze in fear for several moments.

Madam Pomfrey noticed the rise in anxiety levels as one of her silent alarms went off.

She wandered over to the only patient in the hospital wing.

Smiling, she stood at the end of Severus's bed. It was best, she knew, to allow him to work through his fear and let his memories come back to him as they pleased.

After a couple of minutes, Severus noticed the woman at the end of his bed, and looked up. "Am, Am I... Did he get me?" Shock was projected in his voice.

Madam Pomfrey smiled, and walked over to him. "No dear, he didn't." She said, scanning him wandlessly. _Good. Just a little shock. He'l' no doubt be right as rain soon._

"Lupin!" Severus's eyes widened as he remembered. "You have to stop him! Lupin! It's Remus, Remus he- he-"

Poppy smiled patiently as she waited for Severus's tongue caught up with his mind. He was so sweet when he was like this- not cursing everyone to hell, and not dripping enough sarcasm to drown everyone.

"Lupin. Remus- he's the, he's the one!" Severus banged a hand down on the bed. "He kissed me!" He near shouted, pleading via his face for Madam Pomfrey to understand.

She frowned instead, and indeed Severus frowned as he contemplated what he said.

"What?" He asked himself, frowning disgustedly.


	7. It doesn't do well to dwell on dreams

"Lupin. Remus- he's the, he's the one!" Severus banged a hand down on the bed. "He kissed me!" He near shouted, pleading via his face for Madam Pomfrey to understand.

She frowned instead, and indeed Severus frowned as he contemplated what he said.

"What?" He asked himself, frowning disgustedly.

Poppy walked around to Severus, and placed a hand on his forehead, checking for a fever.

"What?" Severus asked again, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he struggled to understand fragmented memories.

"Severus, what do you remember?" Asked Poppy kindly, casually, wondering if the boy had been hallucinating.

Tears came to the boys eyes, making his deep black iris's look like the Great Lake at night; faintly shining, surrounded by darkness on all sides.

He frowned, not out of anger or at being told what to do, but his brow furrowed out of sadness.

If you've never seen a depressed person, you could never imagine how they look; so sad, so alone, so... hopeless. It's even worse than being smooched by a dementor, because you, in your heart of hearts, know there is no real reason for their being like they are; they are like that because that's how they are; no because they have no other way to be, but because they don't know that they can be better.

As it was, Severus was struggling to hold back the heartache, and the words he so desperately wanted to mutter.

Madam Pomfrey was being kind to him, not a thing that happened very often. And it hurt. It really, well and truly hurt. Why would she waste her emotions on him? He wasn't worth it. He just wanted to, just wanted to be-

"He should have killed me." He whispered, looking down, turning his hands over to stare at his palms.

"Severus?" The healer-witch coaxed him to expand on that.

_I should have died, he should have killed me. It'd be better for everyone if he had._

"Remus..." Severus mused, faintly whispering the name, looking up to the paintings on the walls.

"He's a wolf." Severus looked away from the healer, who had taken one of his hands in hers, and was staring out the window, trying to find some thin thread of hope; and the courage to continue.

_I don't want to tell her! I don't want to tell her about my, my depression!_

_She doesn't have to know!_

_...Then don't tell her. The answer is simple._

_But- she asked. She's being kind, she cares- she **wants** to know._

_No, she doesn't. She's just doing her job. Just doing her job._

_Ok then._

"James. He told me, he told me that he knew about Remus. Where he went every moon. Told me he was scared, and he didn't want to go alone. So I went. And then, then he-"

"Shut you in the tunnel?" Madam Pomfrey finished as a tear slid down the boy's face, hastily being wiped away.

He nodded.

Poppy sighed, boy was she going to have words with Albus and James Potter later! She nodded, and stood up.

"Well, Mr. Snape; you can stay here or go to classes, I see no affliction that is stopping you for now."

He looked up at her, a small flame of hope flickering.

"Really?" He whispered.

"You are not ill, not bitten. You remember everything; you are not concussed. However, if you do start to feel odd, anything at all, please come back and see me." _I guess he was just dreaming about Remus then. Don't think on that Poppy, you'll start smirking. Too late!_ She mentally muttered to herself, turning away as her cheeks burned red with unbidden images.

"R-Remus?" Severus asked, voice shaking.

Poppy turned back around, _hallucination? No- the boy was really here._

"Mr. Lupin." She smiled warmly. "I have just told Mr. Snape here that he is welcome to leave, as long as he comes back if he experiences any odd symptoms."

The Gryffindor nodded, smiling; whilst Poppy tried to ignore the glaring Slytherin at her side.

"Brilliant." Remus smiled again. "Here, I brought you some chocolate." He held it out to the boy perched on the bed.

Severus looked at it warily. _Honeydukes finest? OK..._

He smiled briefly, though it was constrained, and took it quickly.

Poppy chuckled to herself mentally, and left the boys to it; going back to her office.

Remus took a seat on a bed opposite Severus. "I'm glad you're awake." He mused.

"I can tell that by the way you havn't stopped smiling." Severus replied, more of his usual nasal tone back in his voice.

"You sound more like yourself." Remus put his head to one side.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You sound... You sound like this." Remus finished, imitating his drawling, nasal tone.

"Really?" Severus barked a laugh. "That's absurd. I do not sound like that."

Remus shook his head smiling, "Of course not, Sevvy."

Severus looked up, "What?" He whispered, looking honestly like he'd just been jolted by a cruciatus or electric shock.

"What what?"

"What did you just call me?" Severus breathed.

"Um... Sevvy. Why?" Remus smiled.

Severus frowned, thinking hard. _I've heard you call me that before. I wanted to curse you, wanted to hit you. Instead you kissed me. Please tell me I'm dreaming._

"Severus?" Remus crept over to the pale boy, whose eyes were darting everywhere as he was deep in concerned thought.

Remus went to put a hand to Sev's face, to help him out of whatever was haunting him. His hand had barely skimmed the Slytherin's face before Severus had caught it, his other arm, and pushed him flat back against the bed, pinning Remus down.

Severus glared at Remus, at the boy now honestly fearing for his life.

_Have I gone too far? Severus? Answer me Severus? Have I saved you only to lose you again?_

Severus closed his eyes, delving unnoticed into Remus's mind.

What he saw he could honestly say he was not expecting.

It was mainly him. He **had** kissed him.

_I knew it._

It was him, in class, brooding over potions questions.

It was him, in the library, reading; casually draped over one-person sofas.

It was him, in the Great Hall, lost in thought- staring at the ceiling.

In the common room, licking his lips, as he thought of what to write.

It was Remus, wishing Severus was licking **him**; kissing **him**; holding **him** the way Severus clutched his books to his chest.

It was Remus; the Gryffindor who was totally head over paws for a Slytherin.

Severus jolted back to reality, and blinked in the face of Remus Lupin, who was staring him right back in the face, eyes wide and worried.

Severus frowned, disgusted, and threw back Remus's hands to him, pushing off the bed and standing on faintly wobbly legs.

He walked to the edge of the bed, and held onto the frame.

"Severus?" Remus whispered, gently getting up and coming to stand behind the boy.

Severus ignored him.

"Severus, Severus I... I saw. What you just did now. I-I saw. And I know you did too. I-I just want to say I hope you can understand."

Severus turned around, still frowning, and looked into Remus's blushing face.

Sev's mouth was slightly open, and he licked his lips and he looked slightly to Remus's right in thought, and eyebrow raising.

He then looked back to Remus, and inhaled a silent sigh, eyebrow still raised.

"Remus?" He asked, studying the boy's eyes, his own narrowing slightly.

Remus smiled, smiling wide, and breathing out a silent bark of laughter.

Remus's heart then glowed as Severus smiled and stepped forward, encasing him in his arms, holding him tight; pulling him closer. Feeling everypart of Severus as he held him equally as close.

Shivering in delight as Severus nibbled on his ear.

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he felt a sharp slap on his cheek.

_Damn, I need to stop dreaming!_ He realised.

Severus was actually standing infront of him, eyes still blazing angrily, "That." He drawled. "Is the first time I have ever touched you willingly." He then smirked. "And that will also be the last time, wolf." He sneered the last word, cutting Remus's heart in two, dragging it back along the jagged blade for emphasis.

Remus could only stand and watch; tears welling up painfully in his eyes, as Severus Snape billowed out of the Hospital wing, taking every ounce of Remus's heart with him.

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><p><em>Hey guys! Soo Sorry for not updating sooner- college has been soo busy. I've not been getting back till about six, then once dinner has been had and homework done- I havn't had any time to write!<em>

_I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I had great fun writing Remus's daydream- I hope you don't find it too cliché or hate me for it._

_Also, free ButterBeer to the witch/wizard that finds the A Very Potter Musical/Sequel reference._

_Always,_

_~Kimmy._


	8. It feels like Falling,,,

O.o It's been a while, hasn't it :O Didn't mean for it to be quite THIS long, but hopefully now its the hols I should update a bit more? That is, if people havn't given up on this. Maybe a review or two to say you're still here and yes please some more? ;D

Severus brooded as he walked along the corridors of Hogwarts. It was evening now, and he had just finished a meeting with Slughorn and Dumbledore; about his mash in with the Marauders.

Damn them all, he muttered; swiping a kick at a stray cat as he passed the mangy silver tabby.

Well, not so mangy, quite pretty actually as he turned around and watched the cat hiss at him.

He totally missed the stairs as he walked back a few steps, but saw in shock as the cat turned into a forty-ish year old woman, a green robed teacher, who ran at him as he toppled back onto a staircase that had just moved; a great gaping chasm spanning seventeen floors open.

He felt the vague sensation of falling; a movement within his very core and bones as he physically fell, then he felt thin arms encasing him; and yet still fell in his mind.

Images jolted; and once more the Wolf's memories surfaced, him; looking remarkably proud of himself as he stood over a cauldron, his sleeves pushed up over bare arms, hair loose over his face; him running towards the Quidditch pitch, late for practise, suited up and looking somewhat muscular...

A faintly lined face broke through that. Or rather; the sound of the voice whose face it was.

"Mister Snape?" A faint Scottish lilt accompanied it. "Severus!"

"Ennervate!"

He felt his body jolting; and he opened an eye.

There was the dim shape of a woman; and a man who looked like he could have passed for an armchair.

Holding the wand, was creature who, at first glance with bleary eyes; looked to be just white.

Then his vision came back properly and Severus was that it was Dumbledore, just with his beard loose and his long hair falling over his shoulder.

"You all right there, boy?" Slughorn asked as Severus looked over to him.

McGonagall frowned at him when he didn't answer; then looked slightly offended as the boy struggled to get out of her arms when he realised he was still nestled in the crook of her arms, and leaning against her body.

He leant against the banister when he stood up; and, gulping slightly, looked over the edge. It WAS a long way down. He supposed her owed her.

But... he turned back around.

Cat.

He tooled his face into un-emotion; and saw that everyone was watching him.

He felt as if he should do something.

Slughorn dipped his head; as if to say "Yes?"

"Is there no one who doesn't turn into an animal in this place?" He said with a disapproving tone, then turned and walked off down the stairs that had almost killed him; his outer robes billowing. He liked that about them.

He heard McGonagall say something in an indignant tone; but couldn't be bothered to find out what. Besides, Dumbledore said something to her in a soothing sort of tone- probably had his arms around her, calming her-

One of the Wolf's daydreams appeared unbidden in his mind.

Merlin Damnit!

Couldn't the beast leave him alone even when he wasn't here!

Right. Now what?

Downstairs; or across? Downstairs meant kitchens, and dorms. Across would take him to another corridor going wither library way or the astronomy tower.

Mreehh... Tower involved going across the courtyard; and it would be cold. For some reason Severus always had trouble keeping warm.

So not that way.

Library- no. Another bad, and embarrassing image there. Would be avoiding that place for a while.

So kitchens? Sounded good.

Some bread and butter, or a hot mug of coffee.

Sounded good. He nodded to himself, not noticing as he started down the stairs the sound of echoing footsteps, and hushed laughter.

In fact, it was only when he was standing in front of the portrait with the fruit bowl that he noticed the shadows of people behind him.

It made his slightly nervous, and he felt extremely vulnerable with his back to them.

So, he gripped his wand tightly, he reached out his left hand to the pear and swiped; rushing inside and turning the corner quickly; getting out of spell shot just as a red - lighted spell shot where he had been.

Marauders!

He would recognise that laughter anywhere! But.. how long had they been following him?

He hid behind a few bags of flour, watching them come down the ramp into the kitchens, scowling as James called out for "Snivellus" to come out.

Snape couldn't help but smirk as he saw Lupin look extremely uncomfortable though.


	9. Playing with Fire

_In response to my reviewer (Don't know why fanfic wouldn't let me reply...)_

_**MapleTreeway**; Oh, I wish I could! But you know, it would kind of ruin the plotline if I did... :D_

_So sorry, no. To be blunt about it. Because at the end I want to see Sev's reaction to Harry; and that scene in OotP? When Harry sees his memories? That, my friend, will be interesting ;) Thanks for reviewing! _

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><p>'The Gryffindor's just couldn't leave him alone could they?' Severus thought smugly as he hid behind the sacks of flour, fairly confident they would leave soon so he could brood over a mug of steaming coffee.<p>

"Homono revlio!" Sirius said grandly.

What? What was that? A Gryffindor with a brain? He wasn't expecting that.

"Gotcha now, Snivellus. Good thinking Siri." James added as an afterthought as he made his way to the corner of the room.

Severus looked around, not in fright; because he was a Slytherin. But in... looking for a way out. He needed an escape. Not an escape- he would never run away; but a ... somewhere for him to stand and fight.

Yes, that was it.

Images of a shaking and scared him held in Lupin's warm arms distracted him; and all too soon he felt real arms around his- not warm and comforting though, harsh and hurtful.

Severus shook his head, and glared at the wolf.

"Leave my head alone!" He growled, and James and Sirius talked about what to do with him.

"We could transfigure him into a turkey!" Sirius chuckled.

"Naah- he'd give everyone food poisoning, wouldn't you Sevvy?" James prodded him with the end of his wand.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea..." Lupin said nervously, watching his ... the object of his admirations being cast to hang by the neck of his robes on a nail above the fireplace.

"At least he can cook now." James smirked; both headstrong boys turning their backs on Remus.

"Maybe turn up the heat a bit." Sirius waved his wand, and the grate beneath Severus went from gently smoking embers to a roaring fire; flames licking Severus's feet.

The Slytherin squirmed, and he hoped the idiots would leave him alone so he could charm himself down.

"Oh! Can't forget his wand now, can we?" Sirius reached forward to take it from the boy, then stopped. "Do I have to touch him?" He whined, pulling a face back at the two boys.

James barked a laugh, then motioned for Lupin to reach forward and take it.

"Why me?" The wolf looked pained; Severus was pleased to see.

"Because you owe us." Sirius said, seriously.

"We stopped you eating the greasy git," He motioned to Severus, who was sweating over the heat of the fire, "So you owe us."

Remus sighed, and frowned; looking hurt. Wearily he stepped forward in front of James and Sirius (as he was previously behind them) and went up close to Severus.

'I'm Sorry'. The boy mouthed, as he reached into the Slytherin's pockets.

Severus tried to wriggle out of it, but his shirt collar made a ripping sound; and he was restricted in movement from reaching his pocket anyway.

Severus frowned as the wolf got fingerprints all over his wand; and tried to accio it wandlessly, without much success.

"Awesome." Sirius grabbed it from the trembling Gryffindor; as Severus glared basilisks at the boy; and the egotistic marauder whispered delightedly with James.

"Right. So-" James raised his voice. "We're gonna be nice."

Severus smirked. Sure, and he was going to be a teacher someday.

"We're not going to do anything bad to you, nor are we going to hurt you." Sirius smirked.

"In fact- we're not going to do anything at all to you." James smiled; that dazzeling smile that had teachers believing him, and girls falling at his feet.

Remus gave an almost audible sigh of relief.

"So, goodnight!" James smirked; and went on his way.

"Wha? You're jst going to leave him?" Remus spun around as the two wizards made their way towards the door.

"Uh huh. Ain't we nice?" Sirius chuckled, with sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Oh wait! Nearly forgot!" James made a pantomine-like act of having forgotten to do something.

It was so obviously fake that Severus judt wanted to wring their necks and be over with it already.

"Can't forget about his wand now, can we?" James emphasised the 'can we' so much that Severus became suspicious,

"Oh no James!" Sirius added, also speaking loudly and clearly and oh- so - fakely.

Severus bit his tongue and raised his eyebrows. Yes, already?

"Here we go Severus, Wingardium Leviosa!" Sirius said, smirking; casting the wand over to him.

The wand shook and rattled against the table, as Sirius cast off the charm, "Oh no! Looks like I'm not good at charms. You do it, James."

For God's sakes already, just give me back my damn Wand! Severus thought.

Remus too, now had the decency to look worried.

"Why don't I-" He started, but James interrupted.

"No, let me. I know what I'm doing." He gave a large, 'reassuring' smile to severus; that made the Slytherin blush and worry for his wands safety. He didn't like those Gryffindors; and th eheat was getting to him too.

As soon as he had his wand back, augamenti!

Slowly, James sent his wand towards him; but just as it reached him,

"Oh no!" James said with no enthusiasm, slapping his hands to his head!

What happened next seemed to happen in slow motion for Severus; and all the noise in the room was reduced to a blur of background humming.

His wand, so nearly within arms reach; wobbled in the air and fell; falling falling towards the hungry flames of the kitchen fire.

It landed with a 'pffche' on top of aburning log in the grate below him, and he watched with teary eyes as the flames licked his ebony wand, and then shut his eyes, quite against his will, as the hungry fire started to burn the life out of his wand.

The fire shot up; feuled on by his wand's core.

In the background, distantly, he could just make out James's "Oh dear, what have I done? Seems that I'm no good at charms, either. You're the best here Sev. Why don't you show us how it goes, oh no wait- YOU CAN'T!"

The two Marauders were beside themselves with laughter; leaning heavily on the banister to help them up the ramp.

They quite missed Severus as a tear leaked down his eyes, ad Remus; who was standing as if his entire life had gone up in flames; not his arch- enemies wand.

Severus just willed them all away. "Accio." He whispered. "Accio, aguimneti!"

Nothing happened, not that he expected would anyway; but ...

His mother had gone with him to buy that wand; in one of the rare moments in which she was proud of him, the day he received his Hogwarts Letter.

Now it was gone; it was al gone. His father would leer at him; "I toldja so, didn't I. No good fur ya; a school like tha. Come wimme, now, Sun."

Hogwarts would throw him out; would they? Of course they would; he couldn't do magic without a wand, oh.

It was all over.

Everything had gone wrong now.

Him, Lilly; now the one thing he thought he still had left. Who he was; his magic.

Ohh- it was all so hopeless.

Remus stood, aghast. How could they? Didn't they knew that was an arrestable offence? Breaking a man's wand!

Not to mention- oh poor Severus!

He stood there watching; the poor boy was beside himself. Remus didn't think he had ever seen the boy so upset!

So... utterly helpless.

Tears streaked down his face, as Sirius and James left; laughing themselves into an early grave.

He best not be left alone with those two next moon; he would tear them to shreds.

Remus felt a strong sense of protectiveness for the Slytherin, and marched over; knowing exactly what he would do.

First he brought down Severus, using the cursed charm that had just ruined poor Severus so, but hopefully he might be able to do that.

Severus just sat where he was put, his head in his hands. He cried bitterly, because as far as he knew- nothing could be done.

Oh great, now the wolf was putting his mitts all over his wand again- hadn't they done enough already?

Remus sat in front of the fire, and quickly darted his hand into the flames; pulling out the two broken pieces of wand in one hand. He ignored the pain as blisters swelled up on his hands from the heat; well used to waking up after a full moon with cuts and grazes and bites, and concentrated.

The next part was going to be the painful bit.

He got his own wand out, and placed Severus' on the floor. Hovering his wand above the two pieces; he closed his eyes.

"Reparo." He whispered, flicking his wand, allowing all his energy to go into fixing the broken ebony.

Severus watched; the remains of tears streaming down his face, as the wolf tried the impossible.

You couldn't fix a broken wand, stupid Gryffindor, it took too much energy.

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><p><em>Sorry for being evil and leaving it there- I do have more on its way but I wanted to update before the new Year ;D<em>

_And a very happy new year to you all! :D_


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